Six More Christmas Haiku


No more coal: I’ll fill
stockings with used CDs of
R.E.M.’s “Monster”


You’d binge on cookies
too if your wife stopped sucking
on your candy cane.


Right now my beard looks
like a peppermint because
it’s Miss Claus’s ”time”.


What’s the one thing I
like eating more than cookies?
Ask your mom. She’d know.


I use reindeer to
travel cause you can’t eat a
plane when you’re stranded.


Hey girl, why don’t you
sit on my lap and tell me
what you really want.

Superstitious Pickup Lines Haikus


Girl, you look like spilled
salt cause I wanna throw you
over my shoulder.


Girl, you won’t think it’s
bad luck after I give you
thirteen in one night.


Girl, I want your
Evil Eye up on me… so long
as it’s vertical.


What’s the difference
between ladders and your legs? I’ll
go underneath yours.


Your black “cat” can cross
my “path” anytime… and by
path, I mean my dick.