Check it out, homeys. Last night your boy got asked to do something at PEP Rally at Lawn Gnome Publishing for their “Ink” show. Normally I do some characters and shit, put on some wigs, act all English or crazy or whatever, but I thought that last night I would go as my most authentic self. For reals. So I got my Sylvia Plath on, you know what I’m saying, sticking my head in the ol’ Easy-Bake Oven (*puff puff cough*) to get in The Zone and got onstage.
So for this show I showed the audience my four tattoo ideas. See, I’ve been meaning to get a new tattoo for years now and my boy Gooch and I have come up with some sick designs. Like, sicker than mongoose flu, bros. So I hads to show everyone these sick designs for, like, crowd-surfing purposes. Wait: I mean crowd-sourcing. So like the audience would vote for which design I’d put on my body next.
This is a tat of a bong made out of Gandalf’s head. Because I like to get high as fuck, and nothing would jack you up higher than balls like smoking up a wizard, son.
So this tat symbolizes my love of the movie “Xanadu”, that I think rollerskates and rainbows are bitchin’ as hell, and that Olivia Newton-John has got some bodacious cans, brah.
This tat is about the only thing I love more than smoking weed, and that’s eating pussy, dawg. My boy Gooch said I’m like the Cookie Monster of cunnilingus and I was like, damn, that’s it! I’m The Pussy Monster! So here it is. And if you were wondering what that censored bar is, when I first drew this he was holding up a vagina. But it looked kind of weird, like why he is holding up a vagina disconnected from a human being, right? I mean, the only people who walk around holding nuthin’ but genitals is serial killers and that’s not the kind of message I’m trying to project, feel me?
And this last tat is a swastika made out of dicks. This symbolizes my straight-up don’t-give-a-fuck, shock-the-system, hack-the-planet, paradigm-shifting, damn-the-man-to-the-max attitude. Nothing says “Yo, I don’t give a fuck about your rules” like a swastika made out of dicks, bro. It’s the ultimate symbol of free speech. And it’s not hateful, because check it: Nazis were super-homophobic, right? No way they’d ever let a swastika be made out of dicks! And I’m half Jewish, so I’m 50% sure I can get away with this.
I showed the audience my four tat ideas and they were all like, dude, #3 or go home. And I was like cool. And that was my night last night. Peace.