Santa Claus Pick Up Lines Vol. 1

Girl, I wanna roast my chestnuts over your open fire.

I spit game so cold, that’s why bitches call my dick the North Pole!

I got all the fly girlies lining up around the block to sit in my lap and tell me what they really want for Xmas… my eggnog!

I only work one day a year cause I spend the other 364 days with ho-ho-hos on my jingle bells.

Girl, your spirit animal must be a reindeer cause I’d let you pull my sleigh all night long.

Hey girl, I’d really enjoy your cookies and milk, waiting for me by the fireplace.

Girl, I spend almost 12 hours going up and down chimneys, so you know I gets nasty.

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: A threesome.

“All Choked Up for Christmas”


A few years ago I was invited to do my first Arizona Storytellers Project event . It took place at the FilmBar, it was hosted by Megan Finnerty and featured stories about the holidays. It was a pretty great night full of outstanding stories (Neil Gearns, Mack Duncan and Michelle Cannon all told some fascinating and funny stories that night).

I was nervous as hell, but thanks to a couple of drinks I was able to go up in front of a bunch of strangers and tell a story about that one time where I got choked out by my Dad for Christmas. Don’t worry: it’s a funny story, not a “oh god, all hope is lost!” narrative.

Arizona Storytellers Project: “All Choked Up for Christmas”