Emergency AC/DC Band Meeting

EMERGENCY AC/DC BAND MEETING

Enter ANGUS YOUNG and MALCOLM YOUNG

ANGUS: Right, so Brian’s out.

MALCOLM: Fuck him for getting old!

ANGUS: Not like us, mate. We’re eternal.

MALCOLM: You’re the bloody Peter Pan you are, brother Angus.

ANGUS: The trick is never to wear trousers. I learned that from a Taoist sage once. Secret of longevity and what have you- bare legs.

MALCOLM: What in the bloody cunt is a Taoist?

ANGUS: It’s Korean or something. One of those people who eat raw fish.

MALCOLM: And not fried with a side of chips? That’s rubbish, that is.

ANGUS: We’re supposed to be Australian, aren’t we? Is fish and chips an Australian thing?

MALCOLM: How the bloody shit should I know? We haven’t been back to Australia since Bon kicked it.

ANGUS: Aye, Bon. Now there was a lead singer.

MALCOLM: Aye, Bon would never leave the band because, “oh, lads, I have tinnitus and I could go deaf!”

ANGUS: “Oh, my wee ears!”

MALCOLM: Fuck Brian for getting old.

ANGUS: Not like us, with our Taoist shorts.

MALCOLM: How old are you, brother Angus?

ANGUS: Ask your wife. I make her recite my birthday when I give her the ol dirty-
deeds-done-dirt-cheap in my nephew’s gazebo.

MALCOLM: Aye, she always tells me about it. You do give her a good Rogering, brother Angus.

ANGUS: I’m the lead guitarist, it’s my sovereign right.

MALCOLM: Aye.

ANGUS: So we don’t have Brian anymore.

MALCOLM: Useless old geezer. Not like us, fresh like salmon in a stream.

ANGUS: We need a new singer.

MALCOLM: Someone who isn’t a precious diva about their voice or their ears.

ANGUS: Aye. And someone who’s reliable, who never cancels gigs for any reason.

MALCOLM: AC/DC is about bloody cunting consistency. We haven’t changed our sound
since… well, ever.

ANGUS: You know what you get with us.

MALCOLM: Tasty guitar licks, a driving rhythm section, an old git prancing about in schoolboy clothes-

ANGUS: I made your wife wear these clothes once. We played “After school detention with Superintendent Young”.

MALCOLM: Yes, I watched the video.

ANGUS: And we don’t do ballads!

MALCOLM: I’d rather be fucking dead.

ANGUS: No grand piano numbers.

MALCOLM: And no songs about rain! I bloody hate rain.

ANGUS: Aye, me too. Feels like Jesus is pissing on us.

MALCOLM: Hmm.. we have to make sure whoever we get has no ego.

ANGUS: Yep, none.

MALCOLM: We’re a unit. There’s no room for stars here. Or personality.

ANGUS: People come to see me prance about in this schoolboy uniform that I haven’t washed since 1983. Not to listen to some lead singer waxing poetic about their bollocks or the starving people in Argentina.

MALCOLM: Do you mean Africa?

ANGUS: What? You don’t think there’s starving people in Argentina?

MALCOLM: There’s starving people everywhere I reckon, brother Angus.

ANGUS: Are we having a political conversation right now? AC/DC does NOT do politics.

MALCOLM: Christ no.Never politics. Everybody knows pussy is allergic to politics.

ANGUS: Aye, nothing turns your wife off faster than what I start telling her about
how I got Paul Ryan to sign my basketball.

MALCOLM: Paul Ryan was never in the NBA, brother Angus. I told you that.

ANGUS: Are you trying to say I’m wrong? Me, Angus Young? THE LEAD GUITARIST?!

MALCOLM: No. I’m just saying you could be confused, is all.

ANGUS: …

MALCOLM: Actually, what I’m saying is that I AM confused, not you. I’m very mistaken right now. A proper git, I am.

ANGUS: Aye, fucking right.

MALCOLM: So, lead singer…

ANGUS: Aye, no ego. No diva behavior. Dependable. Never cancels gigs.

MALCOLM: No corn-rows either.

ANGUS: White people with corn-rows are the WORST.

MALCOLM: Are we just assuming that the singer has to be white then?

ANGUS: Of bloody course, Malcolm!

MALCOLM: Not very progressive, though, is it?

ANGUS: We are not, have not, and will never be, a progressive band.

MALCOLM: Aye… Guess it has to be a white guy. Can’t rock the boat.

ANGUS: I mean, besides, we don’t know any black people.

MALCOLM: That can’t be right.

ANGUS: Name two you know. Go on.

MALCOLM: Mr. T and…. and…

ANGUS: Exactly.

MALCOLM: Alright, so- lead singer who’s white, no corn-rows ever, ain’t a diva,
dependable, never cancels gigs, no ballads, no grand piano songs-

ANGUS: And no bloody music videos where I play a guitar solo outside in front of a church!

MALCOLM: Lead singer who’s white, no corn-rows ever, ain’t a diva, dependable as clockwork, never cancels gigs, isn’t more famous than us, no ballads, no grand piano songs, and won’t make brother Angus play a guitar solo in front of a church outside in a music video.

ANGUS: Do we know ANYBODY who fits that criteria?

MALCOLM: Fucked if I know.

(LONG PAUSE)

ANGUS: What about that bloke from Guns N Roses?

MALCOLM: Brilliant! Now you’re cooking with gas, brother Angus!

ANGUS: Aye, he’s bound to be a better singer than that tender little dandelion Brian.

MALCOLM: Fuck him for getting old.

-FIN-

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