EMERGENCY AC/DC BAND MEETING
Enter ANGUS YOUNG and MALCOLM YOUNG
ANGUS: Right, so Brian’s out.
MALCOLM: Fuck him for getting old!
ANGUS: Not like us, mate. We’re eternal.
MALCOLM: You’re the bloody Peter Pan you are, brother Angus.
ANGUS: The trick is never to wear trousers. I learned that from a Taoist sage once. Secret of longevity and what have you- bare legs.
MALCOLM: What in the bloody cunt is a Taoist?
ANGUS: It’s Korean or something. One of those people who eat raw fish.
MALCOLM: And not fried with a side of chips? That’s rubbish, that is.
ANGUS: We’re supposed to be Australian, aren’t we? Is fish and chips an Australian thing?
MALCOLM: How the bloody shit should I know? We haven’t been back to Australia since Bon kicked it.
ANGUS: Aye, Bon. Now there was a lead singer.
MALCOLM: Aye, Bon would never leave the band because, “oh, lads, I have tinnitus and I could go deaf!”
ANGUS: “Oh, my wee ears!”
MALCOLM: Fuck Brian for getting old.
ANGUS: Not like us, with our Taoist shorts.
MALCOLM: How old are you, brother Angus?
ANGUS: Ask your wife. I make her recite my birthday when I give her the ol dirty-
deeds-done-dirt-cheap in my nephew’s gazebo.
MALCOLM: Aye, she always tells me about it. You do give her a good Rogering, brother Angus.
ANGUS: I’m the lead guitarist, it’s my sovereign right.
ANGUS: So we don’t have Brian anymore.
MALCOLM: Useless old geezer. Not like us, fresh like salmon in a stream.
ANGUS: We need a new singer.
MALCOLM: Someone who isn’t a precious diva about their voice or their ears.
ANGUS: Aye. And someone who’s reliable, who never cancels gigs for any reason.
MALCOLM: AC/DC is about bloody cunting consistency. We haven’t changed our sound
since… well, ever.
ANGUS: You know what you get with us.
MALCOLM: Tasty guitar licks, a driving rhythm section, an old git prancing about in schoolboy clothes-
ANGUS: I made your wife wear these clothes once. We played “After school detention with Superintendent Young”.
MALCOLM: Yes, I watched the video.
ANGUS: And we don’t do ballads!
MALCOLM: I’d rather be fucking dead.
ANGUS: No grand piano numbers.
MALCOLM: And no songs about rain! I bloody hate rain.
ANGUS: Aye, me too. Feels like Jesus is pissing on us.
MALCOLM: Hmm.. we have to make sure whoever we get has no ego.
ANGUS: Yep, none.
MALCOLM: We’re a unit. There’s no room for stars here. Or personality.
ANGUS: People come to see me prance about in this schoolboy uniform that I haven’t washed since 1983. Not to listen to some lead singer waxing poetic about their bollocks or the starving people in Argentina.
MALCOLM: Do you mean Africa?
ANGUS: What? You don’t think there’s starving people in Argentina?
MALCOLM: There’s starving people everywhere I reckon, brother Angus.
ANGUS: Are we having a political conversation right now? AC/DC does NOT do politics.
MALCOLM: Christ no.Never politics. Everybody knows pussy is allergic to politics.
ANGUS: Aye, nothing turns your wife off faster than what I start telling her about
how I got Paul Ryan to sign my basketball.
MALCOLM: Paul Ryan was never in the NBA, brother Angus. I told you that.
ANGUS: Are you trying to say I’m wrong? Me, Angus Young? THE LEAD GUITARIST?!
MALCOLM: No. I’m just saying you could be confused, is all.
MALCOLM: Actually, what I’m saying is that I AM confused, not you. I’m very mistaken right now. A proper git, I am.
ANGUS: Aye, fucking right.
MALCOLM: So, lead singer…
ANGUS: Aye, no ego. No diva behavior. Dependable. Never cancels gigs.
MALCOLM: No corn-rows either.
ANGUS: White people with corn-rows are the WORST.
MALCOLM: Are we just assuming that the singer has to be white then?
ANGUS: Of bloody course, Malcolm!
MALCOLM: Not very progressive, though, is it?
ANGUS: We are not, have not, and will never be, a progressive band.
MALCOLM: Aye… Guess it has to be a white guy. Can’t rock the boat.
ANGUS: I mean, besides, we don’t know any black people.
MALCOLM: That can’t be right.
ANGUS: Name two you know. Go on.
MALCOLM: Mr. T and…. and…
MALCOLM: Alright, so- lead singer who’s white, no corn-rows ever, ain’t a diva,
dependable, never cancels gigs, no ballads, no grand piano songs-
ANGUS: And no bloody music videos where I play a guitar solo outside in front of a church!
MALCOLM: Lead singer who’s white, no corn-rows ever, ain’t a diva, dependable as clockwork, never cancels gigs, isn’t more famous than us, no ballads, no grand piano songs, and won’t make brother Angus play a guitar solo in front of a church outside in a music video.
ANGUS: Do we know ANYBODY who fits that criteria?
MALCOLM: Fucked if I know.
ANGUS: What about that bloke from Guns N Roses?
MALCOLM: Brilliant! Now you’re cooking with gas, brother Angus!
ANGUS: Aye, he’s bound to be a better singer than that tender little dandelion Brian.
MALCOLM: Fuck him for getting old.