How Desperate Are You?

This is a comedy sketch I wrote a few years ago for The Firehouse Gallery’s sketch comedy show FFNL (First Friday Night Live).

How Desperate Are You?

By Ashley Naftule

SCENE: A game show. Bob, a grinning smarmy host is standing in front of a screen. To his right are 2 Jeopardy style podiums with 2 contestants standing behind them. One of the contestants has a high score of 400, the other a negative score of -10,000. In between the screen and the contestants is a limbo bar.

BOB

Welcome back, folks, to “How Desperate Are You”. As you can see, the Limbo Bar of Lust is almost touching the floor, so that means it’s time for the final round! Laaaaaaaast Call! Now Steve, you’re in the lead with 400 points. You feeling pretty confident?

STEVE
I sure am, Bob. I’ve got a lot of self-respect points, and I’ve got my eye on that trip to Cancun!

BOB
That’s right, folks! An all-expenses paid trip to Cancun for Spring Break! Where our lucky winner will get to live out all our hypothetical desperate situations for real! What a thrill, what a thrill…

BOB walks over to the negative contestant.

BOB
And Dietrich…. you’ve got a negative score of 10,000 self-respect points, the lowest score in the history of this show. There is no possible way for you to win this game.

DIETRICH
That’s right, Bob, not at all.

BOB
And yet, because we’ve never had to deal with a situation like this and have no default winner policy in place, the show must go on! You feeling pretty confident right now, Dietrich?

DIETRICH
Absolutely, Bob, nobody is taking this loss from me

BOB
Outstanding. Gentleman… it’s time for Last Call.

The screen behind Bob starts flashing. He holds up a card.

BOB
You are each offered a chance to participate in a filmed gang-bang of your favorite porn star. You will get to have sex with her on camera… but you’ll be the 187th banger in a 200 man gangbang. Would you do it? Steve: you’re up first.

STEVE
Absolutely not, Bob, I’m not that desperate.

BOB
Even though she’s your favorite pornstar? And you can do ANYTHING to her?

STEVE (thinks for a moment)
No, no, still not that desperate.

BOB
So you won’t go that low on the limbo of lust?

STEVE
Nope. Maybe to be Banger #6-28, but 187? No.

BOB
That decision doubles your self-respect score to 800!

Screen flashes and the studio audience applauds wildly.

BOB
Now Dietrich: you’ve been offered the exact same situation as Steve. Are you that desperate?

DIETRICH
Absolutely, Bob, absolutely. I’d be in it like a splinter in a toenail.

BOB
Are you sure? Remember that 186 other men have already boldly gone where you’re about to go.

DIETRICH
Absolutely, Bob, I’m absolutely that desperate. I’ll put on a snorkel, gas mask, 16 layers of Trojans, I don’t care, I’ll get in there. No shame at all, Bob, none.

BOB
So you will get that low below the limbo bar of lust?

DIETRICH
That’s where I live, Bob, everyday.

BOB
You are depraved beyond measure, Dietrich.

DIETRICH
Standards are over-rated, Bob. Show me someone with standards and I’ll show you someone who isn’t getting laid half as much as I am!

BOB
While this is entirely pointless, that answer doubles your score to a negative -20,000, a score six times as low as our previous lowest record-holder’s score.

DIETRICH
Suck on that, Pauly Shore!

BOB
Surprise, surprise, it looks like Steve is- you know, wait, I’ve got one more question. We’ve got 5 minutes of air-time, why not ask another question?

STEVE
Fine by me, Bob. My victory is assured.

DIETRICH
You know I’m game, Bob!

BOB
Gentleman: you go to a party with your sister. She gets extremely drunk and confuses you with her boyfriend and begins to undress. Are you that desperate?

STEVE
Absolutely not, Bob! I’d never be that desperate!

BOB
A bonus two hundred points of self-respect to you, Steve! Finishing at a respectable 1,000. Good show. Dietrich?

DIETRICH
Absolutely, Bob, and that’s not a hypothetical answer. I’ve been there… twice!

BOB
Mother of God. OK.. that-that puts you at -22.000…. well, that’s the end of our show! Steve, congratulations on your trip to Cancun, and Dietrich… if there is a merciful God above, you’ll be quarantined until the end of your days.

DIETRICH
My little brother watched the whole time! Hey Peter! I’m on TV! Say hi to Kristen for me!

Lights out.

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