Rue Year’s Day

This is one of two pieces I wrote that got performed at last year’s New Year’s Eve show “Resolutions” that happened at Space 55.

RES2

Rue Year’s Day

By Ashley Naftule

Lights up on a MAN and a WOMAN, standing away from each other onstage.

HE
If I could have done one thing differently this year… I would have gone to the gym.

SHE
If I could have done one thing differently this year…. I would have stopped smoking.

HE
I went once. Day after New Years. Signed up for a 1 year membership, bought some shorts, sweatbands, even a Fitbit. Never went back… but I did spend a lot of time making workout playlists.

SHE
Stopped smoking cigarettes. I’d have still indulged in my daily after-work ritual: roll up a doobie and smoke it while listening to Sam Cooke. Kind of want to do that right now, actually…

HE
Yeah, if I could have done one thing differently, it would have been that…

PAUSE

HE
But then again, if I could have done two things differently, I probably wouldn’t have entered that  chimichanga eating contest.

SHE
Now that I think about it: if I could do two things differently… I wouldn’t have gotten that tattoo of E.T. on my lower back… Swear to God, I will stab the next creep who says to me “E.T. Bone home”.

HE
I ate 14 of them. With green AND red sauce. The doctors still can’t believe I’m alive.

SHE
Worst part is: I don’t even like E.T.! I got blacked out at my cousin’s bachelorette party and woke up with the stupid thing on my back.

HE
I also should have said no to that male stripper gig. That bachelorette party got out of hand REALLY fast.

SHE
I wouldn’t have ordered so many Tae Bo DVDs. Seriously: I have so many of them that my room-mate and I played a game of Jenga with them last Sunday. For an HOUR.
HE
I would have realized that starting an ELO cover band is a bad way to pull chicks.

SHE
I’d have not wasted $80 buying that Perfect Hair Forever curler. You know the one, from the infomercials? “Perfect curls… everytime… FOREVER”. First time I used it, my hair got so tangled up in it I had to go to the emergency room.

HE
I wouldn’t have eaten that soft pretzel right out of the trash can at Harkins. Right before seeing “Transformers 4”.

SHE
I shouldn’t have gone to see “Transformers 4”.

HE
I probably would have given my ex something other than neon pink hot pants for Valentine’s Day.

SHE
I wouldn’t have tried impressing that cute guy at the poetry slam by pretending I had read “The Bell Jar”. I still can’t believe that I said my favorite part of the book was when she finally put the bell in the jar.

HE
I would have known that going to a bar trivia night and shouting “DEEZ NUTS!” as the answer to every question stops being funny really quick.

SHE
I shouldn’t have written that fan-fic about Gandalf and Magneto. Just… way too much Sir Ian McKellen on Sir Ian McKellen action.

HE
I wouldn’t have overdosed on molly during Cosmic Bowling.

SHE
I would have realized that nobody actually celebrates Talk Like A Pirate Day at work.

HE
I would have known that taking my district manager and his wife to a karaoke bar wasn’t a good career move. I got hammered and rapped “Ain’t No Fun If The Homies Can’t Get None”. I rapped ALL the parts: Snoop, Kurupt, Warren G, Nate Dogg… I knew I wasn’t going to get the promotion after I saw the look on his wife’s face when I rapped “You even licked my balls”.

SHE
I would have done my OKCupid profile a lot differently. Like, maybe I should have pictures of myself on there, and not photos of Christina Hendricks? Or describing myself as “fun-loving”… Who doesn’t love having fun? Even Hitler probably loved fun. And God, all the dick pics in my inbox! So many dicks…

HE
I wouldn’t have got wrecked on everclear, put clown make-up on my penis, snapped a pic of it and sent pictures of my Bozo all over the web.

SHE
So. Many. Dicks. There was even a clown dick!

HE
I’d have already known that you shouldn’t buy secondhand fireworks off the back of somebody’s truck in a Home Depot parking lot.

SHE
I’d have picked a different Halloween costume. Slutty Felix The Cat did not go over well.

HE
I wouldn’t have ordered porn on my parent’s TV when I crashed there during Thanksgiving. It not fun explaining to them why “Wake Me Up Before You Cum-Cum” was going to be on their next bill.
SHE
I would have realized those people picketing the abortion clinic weren’t a flash mob.

HE
I’d probably reconsider drinking 3 cups of mushroom tea and then heading over to Castle Megastore. They almost called the cops because I wouldn’t stop laughing. And stroking things.

SHE
Maybe I wouldn’t have put my vibrator in my carry-on.

HE
Weirdest part of tripping in a Castle Megastore? They had a Roger Rabbit blow-up doll. Swear to God! How fucked up is that? I could understand a Jessica Rabbit blow-up doll… but Roger?

SHE
Few things will make you reevaluate your life like having a TSA agent wagging your vibrator at your face like it was her disapproving finger while over a 100 Economy passengers stare at you like you’re Osama Bin Jezebel Satan. And all the kids! (pause) I could hear a mom tell her kids it was an electric cucumber.

PAUSE

HE & SHE (simultaneously)
Booty-calling my ex!

HE
You called me.

SHE
You called me the other 6 times.

HE
You answered.

SHE
… Next year will be different.

HE
Yes. Next year I’m going to go the gym. More than once!

SHE
And I’m going to stop smoking.

Lights out.

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