The 12 Haikus of Christmas

Last year at Caffeine Corridor (the best poetry/spoken word/open mic event in downtown Phoenix, which I had the pleasure of featuring at last month) a special guest showed up for their December show: good ol’ Saint Nick! The Hardest Working Man In Holiday Business & 26-time Guinness World Record holder for “Most Home Invasions In A 24 Hour Period” came by that evening to share his secret passion: Poetry. He read “The Twelve Haikus of Christmas” to us, and then disappeared in an explosion of red smoke, peppermint shrapnel and poinsettia leaves.


1. Hey girl! Do you like
my belt buckle? That’s where I
hang my mistletoe.

2. Milk and cookies again?
Diabetes: The gift
that keeps on giving.

3. Heat Miser: Keeps
trying to bum smokes, never
offers me a light.

4. Don’t put a partridge
in a pear tree: It will peck
your fucking eyes out.

5. Pro-Tip: Don’t let the
Krampus plan your bachelor
party. Trust me on this.

6. All I want for
Christmas is a cure
for my erectile dysfunction.*

*SANTA: “I didn’t write this one. Those fucking elves snuck it into my set!!! This one doesn’t count!”

6. Thanks to Stand Your Ground Laws,
this suit is now
95% Kevlar.

7. Rudolph, with your nose
so bright: Don’t just stand there,
help me find my car keys!

8. Goddammit! Alright,
who put Frosty’s hat on top
of my cocaine stash?!

9. Snorting up a
sentient cocaine-man
is not as fun as it sounds.

10. I really shouldn’t
have spiked the office egg nog
with ayahuasca.

11. I can’t remember
the last time Missus Claus
was on the naughty list.

12. If the war on Christmas
means no more Christmas music,
let the bombs fall!

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