And here is the second poem I read as Slammy Smurf at the S&M Comedy “Poetry Slim” show in 2014.
Dear Mr. G
by Slammy Smurf
Dear Mr. G:
Why are you so full of hate,
Is it because you live all by yourself
with some smelly old cat?
Is it because you wished you rocked
one of our sweet white hats?
Gargamel, why can’t you be chill?
You’ve never caught us cold handed,
not even in a century!
So why don’t you get a less embarrassing hobby,
or competitive backgammon?
And why are you always trying to eat us,
We don’t taste as good as we look…
and we should know:
in the Great Smurf Famine of 1982,
we learned that we don’t taste like
Smurfberries on the inside the hard way.
(We’ll never forget you, Sacrificial Smurf!)
Can’t you just order some takeout?
Unless you want to “eat us”,
you closet Smurfosexual!
Is it a coincidence that Gargamel
rhymes with sex criminal?
You should take your tired old pussy
and go smurf yourself right out of our forest!
We may be a peaceful agrarian society,
but we can get all mad disciplinarian
on that ass
if you don’t take a hint!
Nobody smurfs with the Smurfs
and lives to smurf about it.
Gargamel, you can gargle these bells
Sincerely yours and getting
3 apples high in the Belgian Forest,
voice of the oppressed
and stomper of your nuts,
P.S. I smurfed in your cat’s litterbox.