Smurf Slam Poetry Vol. #1

A year ago I got to be a part of the late night S&M Comedy show hosted by Jamie Sanderson and Steve Marek at Space 55. They did a show called “Poetry Slim” that was comedians doing comedic poems and riffing on poetic styles. They asked if I wanted in, so I said yes. What I didn’t tell them was that I was going to use the show as a platform to try out a bit I wanted to do for awhile. On the night of the show, I hid backstage, covered myself in blue body paint and came out onstage as “Slammy Smurf”, Smurf Village’s premier performance poet, to perform two Smurf slam pieces. Here’s the first one, an ode to a golden haired goddess. The second one, a diss track, Slammy will drop on y’all tomorrow. Peace to the Smurf Nation.

Smurf slam poet

The Only Girl in the World

by Slammy Smurf



I can’t conceive of a being


your golden tresses

your plain white dresses

Just the sound of your voice la-la-ing

across the flower field makes me wanna

smurf (uh)


you have no defect

If there was another female Smurf in the world

I’d still choose you…

I think.


Sometimes when we’re alone, smurfing

I think about all the other Smurfs you’ve smurfed

and all the other Smurfs you’ve had smurf

in your smurf

and it makes feel so queasy

and so sleazy

that it’s hard for me to smurf (uh)

and you tell me it’s alright

that plenty of other Smurfs have trouble

sustaining a smurf

but that doesn’t help me

especially when you say “plenty of other Smurfs”

because I wanna be your one & only


I don’t wanna share you with Dopey,

Brainy & Papa

and the rest of the Village

I don’t care if it’s a biological necessity

to ensure the survival of our species

I want to smurf you, girl

without the taste of other Smurfs

in your smurf

Your smurfberries aren’t as sweet

if everybody gets a sip

To hell with our Socialist society,
our resource sharing ways,
our mutual aid!
Your love is a resource that
I don’t wanna share.
Be my smurf, Smurfette, and I promise that
I’ll make you smurf so smurf that you’ll
never smurf another Smurf for the rest of our

smurfin’ days.

I got that good smurf, girl.
Don’t sleep on it.
Move out of your mushroom house,
and move on top of my
mushroom tip!


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