Fly Safe

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Have a Happy New Year’s , y’all! And remember: friends don’t let friends use a magic feather to fly home while drunk off their ass.

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Rue Year’s Day

This is one of two pieces I wrote that got performed at last year’s New Year’s Eve show “Resolutions” that happened at Space 55.

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Rue Year’s Day

By Ashley Naftule

Lights up on a MAN and a WOMAN, standing away from each other onstage.

HE
If I could have done one thing differently this year… I would have gone to the gym.

SHE
If I could have done one thing differently this year…. I would have stopped smoking.

HE
I went once. Day after New Years. Signed up for a 1 year membership, bought some shorts, sweatbands, even a Fitbit. Never went back… but I did spend a lot of time making workout playlists.

SHE
Stopped smoking cigarettes. I’d have still indulged in my daily after-work ritual: roll up a doobie and smoke it while listening to Sam Cooke. Kind of want to do that right now, actually…

HE
Yeah, if I could have done one thing differently, it would have been that…

PAUSE

HE
But then again, if I could have done two things differently, I probably wouldn’t have entered that  chimichanga eating contest.

SHE
Now that I think about it: if I could do two things differently… I wouldn’t have gotten that tattoo of E.T. on my lower back… Swear to God, I will stab the next creep who says to me “E.T. Bone home”.

HE
I ate 14 of them. With green AND red sauce. The doctors still can’t believe I’m alive.

SHE
Worst part is: I don’t even like E.T.! I got blacked out at my cousin’s bachelorette party and woke up with the stupid thing on my back.

HE
I also should have said no to that male stripper gig. That bachelorette party got out of hand REALLY fast.

SHE
I wouldn’t have ordered so many Tae Bo DVDs. Seriously: I have so many of them that my room-mate and I played a game of Jenga with them last Sunday. For an HOUR.
HE
I would have realized that starting an ELO cover band is a bad way to pull chicks.

SHE
I’d have not wasted $80 buying that Perfect Hair Forever curler. You know the one, from the infomercials? “Perfect curls… everytime… FOREVER”. First time I used it, my hair got so tangled up in it I had to go to the emergency room.

HE
I wouldn’t have eaten that soft pretzel right out of the trash can at Harkins. Right before seeing “Transformers 4”.

SHE
I shouldn’t have gone to see “Transformers 4”.

HE
I probably would have given my ex something other than neon pink hot pants for Valentine’s Day.

SHE
I wouldn’t have tried impressing that cute guy at the poetry slam by pretending I had read “The Bell Jar”. I still can’t believe that I said my favorite part of the book was when she finally put the bell in the jar.

HE
I would have known that going to a bar trivia night and shouting “DEEZ NUTS!” as the answer to every question stops being funny really quick.

SHE
I shouldn’t have written that fan-fic about Gandalf and Magneto. Just… way too much Sir Ian McKellen on Sir Ian McKellen action.

HE
I wouldn’t have overdosed on molly during Cosmic Bowling.

SHE
I would have realized that nobody actually celebrates Talk Like A Pirate Day at work.

HE
I would have known that taking my district manager and his wife to a karaoke bar wasn’t a good career move. I got hammered and rapped “Ain’t No Fun If The Homies Can’t Get None”. I rapped ALL the parts: Snoop, Kurupt, Warren G, Nate Dogg… I knew I wasn’t going to get the promotion after I saw the look on his wife’s face when I rapped “You even licked my balls”.

SHE
I would have done my OKCupid profile a lot differently. Like, maybe I should have pictures of myself on there, and not photos of Christina Hendricks? Or describing myself as “fun-loving”… Who doesn’t love having fun? Even Hitler probably loved fun. And God, all the dick pics in my inbox! So many dicks…

HE
I wouldn’t have got wrecked on everclear, put clown make-up on my penis, snapped a pic of it and sent pictures of my Bozo all over the web.

SHE
So. Many. Dicks. There was even a clown dick!

HE
I’d have already known that you shouldn’t buy secondhand fireworks off the back of somebody’s truck in a Home Depot parking lot.

SHE
I’d have picked a different Halloween costume. Slutty Felix The Cat did not go over well.

HE
I wouldn’t have ordered porn on my parent’s TV when I crashed there during Thanksgiving. It not fun explaining to them why “Wake Me Up Before You Cum-Cum” was going to be on their next bill.
SHE
I would have realized those people picketing the abortion clinic weren’t a flash mob.

HE
I’d probably reconsider drinking 3 cups of mushroom tea and then heading over to Castle Megastore. They almost called the cops because I wouldn’t stop laughing. And stroking things.

SHE
Maybe I wouldn’t have put my vibrator in my carry-on.

HE
Weirdest part of tripping in a Castle Megastore? They had a Roger Rabbit blow-up doll. Swear to God! How fucked up is that? I could understand a Jessica Rabbit blow-up doll… but Roger?

SHE
Few things will make you reevaluate your life like having a TSA agent wagging your vibrator at your face like it was her disapproving finger while over a 100 Economy passengers stare at you like you’re Osama Bin Jezebel Satan. And all the kids! (pause) I could hear a mom tell her kids it was an electric cucumber.

PAUSE

HE & SHE (simultaneously)
Booty-calling my ex!

HE
You called me.

SHE
You called me the other 6 times.

HE
You answered.

SHE
… Next year will be different.

HE
Yes. Next year I’m going to go the gym. More than once!

SHE
And I’m going to stop smoking.

Lights out.

Resolutions Haikus from 2014

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RESOLUTION HAIKUS FROM LAST YEAR

#1.

Here’s my GPS
coordinates: Love can try
finding me for once.

#2

I will consume
only cruelty free food
and cruelty free porn.

#3

I will follow
my dream of becoming
a Slash impersonator.

#4

Must expand cooking
repertoire beyond ramen
and toaster strudel.

#5

I’ll read “Moby Dick”
so I can stop pretending
I’ve read “Moby Dick”.

 

The Sets for “Sexual Perversity…”

Space 55 opened our 10th anniversary season by doing David Mamet’s “Sexual Perversity in Chicago”. The play’s director (and Space 55 Artistic Director) Duane Daniels asked me to use my chalks to create a set for the show. Not having done any kind of set design, I naturally freaked the fuck out. A few restless evenings full of frantic chalking followed, leading to the creation of these two flats that we’ve been using ever since.

“Sexual Perversity in Chicago” is still running at the space: we’ve extended the run until the end of January. So if you live in Arizona and haven’t seen it yet, come on down and check out an amazing show! And while you’re at it: get a load of these babies in person. 😉

Photos by Glen AZ:

flat1

flat 2

flat 5

flat 3

flat 4