Ben Carson History Facts

The other day on Facebook Phoenix stand-up comic Michael Palladino (a regular at PEP Rally, and a very, very funny gentleman) started doing a #BenCarsonHistoryFacts hashtag. I ended up getting inspired by it and writing a bunch of ’em. Here’s 10 ABSOLUTELY TRUE Ben Carson History Facts.

1. “George Washington had a wooden penis, Abraham Lincoln had a tiny twin brother who lived underneath his hat, John Quincy Adams moonlighted as a police coroner who solved crimes, Bill Clinton & Boris Yeltsin are the same person and James A. Garfield is a giant cat.”

2. “Pyramids were created by the ancient Chinese to harness the power of solar radiation to create a race of super warriors: pandas.”

3. “The first Panda Express was built inside The Great Sphinx and served orange chicken w/ tiny sarcophagi-shaped fortune cookies.”

4. “Carson City was named after American hero Carson Daly, who saved President Reagan’s life by taking two bullets to the chest during a taping of Total Request Live.”

5. “The Allies won World War 2 after Captain America punched out power-mad dictator Charlie Chaplin, foiling his scheme to proliferate non-kosher ice cream throughout the Jewish ghettoes of Western Europe. Tragically, his sidekick Elvis “Bucky” Presley later got eaten by jihadist werewolves on the voyage home.”

6. “The Manhattan Project was used to create Godzilla, which led to the surrender of Japan after a joint Godzilla-King Kong attack laid waste to Kyoto.”

7. “The Watergate scandal was President Richard Nixon abusing his authority by trying to creating a giant water park called “Slippery Dick’s” on an Indian burial ground. Gerald Ford slipped and broke his coccyx while trying to get on the “I’m not a brook” rapids log ride, but ended up pardoning Nixon for it later.”

8. “The Bermuda Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire was caused by Susan B. Anthony spontaneously combusting after a man finally touched her.”

9. “The myth of the female orgasm was created and perpetuated by the witches of Salem to confound and bedevil Christian mankind.”

10. “President Obama wasted his first term in the Oval Office by holing up in the studio with Madlib, Quincy Jones and hype-man Joe “Rock The Bells” Biden to work on his debut mix-tape, “Can You Rock It Like This Baraka Khan?” It got a 7.5 on Pitchfork and inspired the Osama Bin Laden diss track “Jihadeez Nuts” (which Obama responded to with the now-legendary comeback single “Navy SEAL Strike-Force”).”

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