Black Metal Session Vocalist

This is a piece I wrote a few years ago for the first season of the sketch comedy show First Friday Night Live (FFNL). It was meant to be used as an audition piece for prospective cast members (which is why the producer, Vril, doesn’t have any lines- it’s strictly a one man/lady black metal showcase).

Black Metal Session Vocalist

ENTER Sven Karllson, a neatly groomed man in a business suit. He walks into the recording booth of a studio. Offstage his producer, Vril Thorhammer, sits across the window of the booth, preparing to record Sven’s vocals. A cell phone rings. Sven answers it.

SVEN (speaking in his normal voice as a meek and mild family man)

Hey hon. Yes, you kind of caught me at a bad time, pumpkin, I’m in the studio right now. You need what? Hold on, let me get a scrap of paper… ok, go ahead. Sugar, 4 lemons, 2 bottles of club soda, bag of pine nuts- you get those in the nuts section, right? I know its a dumb question, dear, but I’ve never bought pine nuts before. Ok… and flank steak, got it. I should be out of the booth in an hour, I’ll pick it up on the way back. What are you going to make tonight? Pesto? Pesto sounds fantastic. I love you, honey, but listen, I gotta go, Vril is giving me the stink eye right now.

SVEN hangs up the phone and sticks it in his jacket pocket.

SVEN

Sorry, Vril, just the missus needing me to run some errands, you know how it is. Alright, I’m ready to do this. I’m going to lay down some tracks and then go home and watch “Kung Fu Panda”. How about you, Vril? What are you going to do to celebrate?

VRIL’s distorted voice answers through the intercom.

SVEN

Oh, that’s kind of you, Vril, but I’ll have to pass. I’m a little too old for cocaine and dead hookers nowadays. Sippy cups and oatmeal in the morning is more my speed. *claps hands together* Let’s do this!

SVEN puts on a pair of headphones and steps up to the microphone.

SVEN (shrieking in a voice that sounds like a chainsaw sinking
into the throat of a giant demon)

ACROSS THE PLAINS OF DEVASTATION WE RIDE
ON THE BACKS OF SLUT-DRAGONS
SWINGING BLADES MADE OUT OF THE BONES
OF OUR ENEMIES CHIIIIILLLLDREN
RAPING UNICORNS
WITH THE SEVERED COCKS OF
CAVE TROOOOOOOOOLLLLS-

SVEN coughs.

SVEN (normal voice again)

Oh, sorry, Vril. I wasn’t feeling that take. Not dark enough. I think I can get maybe, I don’t know, 20% more evil in the vocals. We’ll go back to that, let me try a different verse.

SVEN coughs one more time and starts singing again.

SVEN (Black metal voice)

ALL GLORY TO THE RAVEN GOD
AS WE RAISE OUR GOBLETS
OF BABY BLLLOOOD
ALL GLORY TO THE RAVEN GOD
OUR PRISONERS OF WAR
THEIR WENCHES FEAST ON OUR RANCID CUM
RAVEN GOD MURDER ALL OUR ENEMIESSSSSSS-

SVEN stops singing.

SVEN (normal voice)

No, no, no. That was terrible. I told Ulga that listening to those Elton John records would be bad for my career. No, it’s Ok, Vril. I’m just having an off day. Let me try another verse. I’ll make the kids weep with this one!

SVEN waits as VRIL calls up a different track.

SVEN (black metal)

SATANSTOOOOORM
ALL CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF DAMNATION
FEEL THE BLACK LIGHTNING OF BEELZEBUB
THE SOULS OF NAZIS ARE THE MORNING DEW ON YOUR LAWN
OBEY YOUR THIRST FOR SIN
DRINK DRINK DRINK THE TEARS OF ANGELS
AS WE SQUEEZE THEIR GOUGED EYEBALLS
OVER YOUR HEAD ON CLOUDS OF EVVVIIIILLLLL
SATANSTOOOORM
HURRICANE OF HERESY
SATANSTOOOOORM
WET T-SHIRT CONTEST IN HEEEELLLL
SATANSTOOOOORMM!

SVEN (normal voice)

Now that’s cooking with gas! I like it. Let’s go back and try the first verse aga-

The cell phone rings again.

SVEN (normal voice)

Sorry, Vril, I have to take this…. Sweetie? Ok, slow down. What happened? He did what?! He’s only 8 years old! Who burns down a church when they’re 8 years old? We’re going to get a lot of flack for this at the next PTA meeting… OK, I’ll punch out early. I’ll be there soon. Look, don’t panic, it’ll be fine, the lawyers will smooth it over. Love you too, pumpkin. All glory to the Raven God.

SVEN hangs up the phone.

SVEN

I gotta go, Vril. I know, I know, I’ll be back tomorrow, I promise we’ll finish the vocals. I’ll drink some chamomile and honey tonight, smooth out this vocal friction, and I’ll go in the booth tomorrow and just kill those verses. Kids, man, I love ’em, but they can be a pain in the behind, am I right? Alright, later Vril, and (switches to black metal voice) DON’T DO ANYTHING I WOULDN’T DOOOOO!!!!! ALL GLORY TO THE RAVEN GOD!!!!!! (switches back to normal voice) Oh, who I am kidding? You go knock those hookers dead, Vril.

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