The following is a piece I wrote for Space 55’s “Rate Your Face” (a theatrical collaboration with director Aaron Landsman and ASU Gammage), a fake infomercial inspired by Chuck Klosterman’s “wizard question”. We didn’t end up using it for the show (though we did use my “Ashley’s Dream” monologue and another solo piece which I’ll post at some point in the future), so here it is.
Note: all dialogue not attributed to Theresa, Vern and V/O Announcer comes from The Wizard.
The Wizard Infomercial
They say beauty is skin deep. I say it can go as deep as your pockets!
I’m the Wizard, master of magic, and with a wave of my wand I can summon a better you into existence. For a price.
Do you want to know what it feels like to feel like a million bucks? I can make that happen. For a limited time only, you can pay me any amount of money. And I will make you beautiful. And the more you pay, the better you’ll look. And the better you look, the better you’ll feel.
But don’t take my word for it! Ask Theresa-
Before I met the Wizard, I hated my nose and my frizzy hair. Nobody ever messaged me on OkCupid or flirted with me at bus stops. But after he cast on a spell on me- I look like a movie star! And now my inbox is always full, and I get ALL the attention when I’m waiting for a bus. Thank you, The Wizard!
Theresa only gave me $200, and you can see the difference I made in her life. Imagine if she gave me $500! Or $5,000!
And don’t think I just work on women. My magic works on men too, like my good friend Vern-
I used to have jacked up teeth and a pot roast belly. I ponied up 6 G’s and now I got Kate Upton on my speed dial!
And age ain’t nuthin’ but a number, folks. You could be 10 or a 100. So long as you got the money, honey, The Wizard can turn your lead physique into a solid gold bod.
Don’t invest your money in IRAs and corporations. Invest your money in something real. Put that money in you. Raise your personal stock by raising other people’s eyebrows.
Don’t settle for less. Don’t settle for yourself. The perfect you that you could never be is just a call away. Dial 1-800-GLAMOUR and let me work my magic on you.
This is a one time only, name-your-price deal. Satification NOT guaranteed. No refunds.
And now, for no reason, here’s a picture of me rocking a wizard hat.