This Bat’s For You

This is a piece I wrote and performed for Leslie Barton’s What The Fuck Variety Hour, a Space 55 late night show that was basically Johnny Carson on bad acid. It had a brief run on our stage, and it was one of the funnest shows I’ve ever been a part of. Thanks to Leslie and WTF, I got to play such wacked out roles as The Ghost of Oscar Wilde, Ron Jeremy, a childhood beauty pageant contestant and the goddamn Batman (due to a nonexistent wardrobe budget, my Batman ended up wearing a black garbage bag for his cowl and cape).

THIS BAT’S FOR YOU

A harsh, gruff voice speaks from backstage.

BATMAN (Offstage)
The city is crying. The city is crying out. The city is thirsting. For justice. For a champion. For a dark beer with a heavy chocolate flavor.

ENTER BATMAN

BATMAN
I’m the goddamn Batman, and there are only 2 things in this world that I have a passion for: fighting crime, and crafting micro-brews. And I’m proud to present my latest innovation in the fight against thirst, Dark Knight Stout, brewed right here in the Batcave. Made with the finest hops and barley my limitless wealth can buy, Dark Knight Stout mixes dark chocolate, guano and the Joker’s laughing gas in with the yeast. Dark Knight Stout will hit you harder than my armored fist in your solar plexus.

BATMAN takes out a beer and pops the top off.

BATMAN
You can find Dark Knight Stout wherever fine artisan craft micro-brews are sold. Also, keep an eye in the sky for the Bat-Happy-Hour-Signal to find out where the best Dark Knight Stout deals are in town.

BATMAN takes a swig of the beer.

BATMAN
That’s good. I wish my parents were here to drink it with me. This Stout’s for you, Mom & Dad!

BATMAN pours one out for his parental homies.

BATMAN
Dark Knight Stout. The only beer made by the Batman.

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