Friday The 13th Haikus


The poet awaits his turn on the mic (photo by Kevin Patterson)

Last night at PEP Rally (Lawn Gnome bookstore’s weekly entertaining & educational variety show hosted by the delightful duo of Hattie Jean Hayes and Matt Storrs), I did a piece for their “Camp” show. Said piece involved me showing up in character as Jason Vorhees to read 13 haikus that the J-Man wrote (when he’s not busy beautifying Camp Crystal Lake by wantonly slaughtering horny teens, Jason is an avid poet). After I finished reading, I got a Lisa Frank sticker (which is really how every Friday The 13th film should end: the Final Girl gives Jason a Lisa Frank, they hug and frolic in a rainbow-strewn, brightly lit meadow as The Turtles plays over the closing credits).

And here are the ‘ku…


by Jason Vorhees


If you had a face

like mine, you’d wear a hockey

mask all the time too.


You think your mom is

embarrassing? My mom killed

Kevin Bacon! Yeesh.


My daily workout:

stalk, chase, stab, Gatorade break.

Stalk, chase, stab, hack, slash.


Despite what you’ve heard,

I’ve got nothing against teen sex.

I just hate teens.


You say “bloody

killing spree”, I say

“tidying up the neighborhood.”


I’m pro drugs: it’s not

my fault stoners have shitty

survival instincts.


Slasher pro-tip: wear

ear plugs. All that begging and

screaming? Hell on ears.


In my spare time,

I like to bird-watch, crochet, and

hone my stalking skills.


I’m progressive:

I’ll kill anybody! White, black,

handicapped… fair game.


Must do more cardio:

speed-walking after victims

is getting old.


Wish there was a

sporting goods store nearby: this mask

smells like feet and butts.


Premarital sex

is not the problem: it’s all

the used condoms. GROSS.


I started using

Tinder. I always swipe right…

With my machete.

2 thoughts on “Friday The 13th Haikus

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