Friday The 13th Haikus

j

The poet awaits his turn on the mic (photo by Kevin Patterson)

Last night at PEP Rally (Lawn Gnome bookstore’s weekly entertaining & educational variety show hosted by the delightful duo of Hattie Jean Hayes and Matt Storrs), I did a piece for their “Camp” show. Said piece involved me showing up in character as Jason Vorhees to read 13 haikus that the J-Man wrote (when he’s not busy beautifying Camp Crystal Lake by wantonly slaughtering horny teens, Jason is an avid poet). After I finished reading, I got a Lisa Frank sticker (which is really how every Friday The 13th film should end: the Final Girl gives Jason a Lisa Frank, they hug and frolic in a rainbow-strewn, brightly lit meadow as The Turtles plays over the closing credits).

And here are the ‘ku…

“Haikus”

by Jason Vorhees

1.

If you had a face

like mine, you’d wear a hockey

mask all the time too.

2.

You think your mom is

embarrassing? My mom killed

Kevin Bacon! Yeesh.

3.

My daily workout:

stalk, chase, stab, Gatorade break.

Stalk, chase, stab, hack, slash.

4.

Despite what you’ve heard,

I’ve got nothing against teen sex.

I just hate teens.

5.

You say “bloody

killing spree”, I say

“tidying up the neighborhood.”

6.

I’m pro drugs: it’s not

my fault stoners have shitty

survival instincts.

7.

Slasher pro-tip: wear

ear plugs. All that begging and

screaming? Hell on ears.

8.

In my spare time,

I like to bird-watch, crochet, and

hone my stalking skills.

9.

I’m progressive:

I’ll kill anybody! White, black,

handicapped… fair game.

10.

Must do more cardio:

speed-walking after victims

is getting old.

11.

Wish there was a

sporting goods store nearby: this mask

smells like feet and butts.

12.

Premarital sex

is not the problem: it’s all

the used condoms. GROSS.

13,

I started using

Tinder. I always swipe right…

With my machete.

2 thoughts on “Friday The 13th Haikus

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s