Three Little Pigs & Two Wolves (2012)

This is a short trio of connected theater pieces I wrote for a fairy tale themed Arcana Collective show at Space 55 in 2012. Arcana Collective is a long-running, ever-shifting ensemble of performance artists, dancers, poets and assorted creative lunatics spearheaded by Ernesto Moncada (current & past members include: Kevin Patterson, Marcella Grassa, Amy Ouzoonian, Ian Murdock, Tommy Cannon, Mike Van Liew, Willa Eigo, Tamara Illorah, Anna Schuer, Patrick Hershey, Reuben Brock, Arturo Ruiz, Kevin Flanagan and many, many other Phoenix performance art luminaries). They’ve done long theater productions, short comedy sketches, performance art happenings and even disemboweled a pegasus for the Phoenix Festival of the Arts. I’ve acted with them on occasion, and I’ve also written pieces for them. And here is one of my favorites: “Three Little Pigs & Two Wolves”.

Three Little Pigs & Two Wolves

THE FIRST PIG

Lights up on the first PIG inside their home. The PIG wears a crown on its head: the PIG looks fancy and regal, its attitude screams “I own the world”. The PIG is standing by a table (or chair/stool/block) with treasure piled on it: a pot full of gold coins, perhaps, or a stack of dollar bills, or some gold chains. The PIG is counting its treasure. A “door” stands in the corner of the stage (it could be a piece of cardboard, chairs leaning against each other, etc: we just need some kind of barrier that keeps the WOLF away from the PIG).

PIG #1 (starting up a pile of treasure)
One for me…. And none for you (gestures at the audience). Two for me… and none for you. Three for me… who am I kidding? It’s all for me!

The WOLF enters. The Wolf looks starved, poor and beat-down; it doesn’t look like the Big Bad Wolf. It looks like the Big Pitiful Wolf. It wears a beret on its head and tattered clothing (a Circle A, Che, etc. something that reads as “revolutionary”). It limps its way over to the barrier and knocks on it.

WOLF (pleading)
Little pig, little pig, let me in!

PIG #1 looks away from its pile of treasure towards the sound of all that noise for a moment, and then turns away with disdain to sort through its money again.

PIG #1
No, no, not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin!

WOLF
Please… I have nothing. Just give me something to eat. Some bread, or some cheese, anything-

PIG #1
How about I give you a shovel, so you can dig yourself a hole and go die in it?

The WOLF starts banging harder on the barrier, snarling.

WOLF
Little pig, little pig, let me in!

PIG #1 (counting its money)
Four for me… and none for you. Five for me-

WOLF
I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house down!
PIG #1
Did you say something? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my immense wealth.

The WOLF roars, huffing and puffing, and tears through the barrier. PIG #1 backs away in terror, holding up fistfuls of treasure.

PIG #1
Lets-lets be reasonable, shall we? No need to do anything rash. What do you want? I’m the richest animal in the land! The king! I can give you anything you want! Just name it. What do you desire most?

WOLF
A full stomach.

The WOLF pounces on PIG #1 and eats him. Standing over the dead PIG, the WOLF sees its crown. He takes off his beret and puts the crown on. Then it crouches down to continue feasting on the PIG.

WOLF (talking as it eats)
Sic semper tyranus.

Lights out.

THE SECOND PIG

Lights up on the second PIG inside their home. This PIG is dirt-poor. It wears the same beret that the WOLF used to wear, and wears similar tattered revolutionary-themed clothing. The PIG is shivering and standing by an empty table. Another “door” is onstage.

PIG #2
No food, no gold for the taxman, no wood for the fireplace- no decent animal should have to live like this. May the Gods damn our hungry king!

The WOLF enters. The WOLF is wearing a crown and is dressed in finery: gold chains, a cape, etc. This is the Big Bad Wolf as the King Of The World. The Wolf knocks politely on the door.

WOLF (in a smooth, insinuating voice)
Little pig, little pig, let me in.

PIG #2 knocks over the empty table and cowers behind it in terror.

PIG #2
No, no, not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin!

WOLF
Oh, come now, Mr. Pig. It’s time to pay your taxes. Everyone in the kingdom pays their way. Everyone.

PIG #2
Bu-bu-but I have no gold left to give-

WOLF cuts off PIG #2’s pleading with a loud yawn.

WOLF
-I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house down.

PIG #2
No, no, please, maybe we can work out a payment plan?

The WOLF blows through the barrier and advances on the cowering PIG.

WOLF
A payment plan? What a capital idea, Mr. Pig! What should your first payment be? Perhaps we’ll start with your thigh, prepared with red wine and shallots?

The WOLF pounces on and devours PIG #2.

WOLF (smacking its lips)
Noblesse oblige.

Lights out.

The Third Pig

Lights up on the third “pig”, a figure dressed up in old lady clothes, sitting in a chair, wrapped tight in a quilt/bundle that obscures its face. Its hands are busy working with a pair of sewing needles. It hums to itself in an exaggerated old lady voice. The WOLF enters, still dressed up as a king, and knocks on the door.

WOLF
Little pig, little pig, let me in.

The third “pig” looks up, shrugs, and goes back to work with its needles.

WOLF (pounds harder, irritated)
Little, little pig, LET ME IN.
“PIG”
You have the wrong house, sonny! There are no pigs here.

WOLF (screaming)
I’LL HUFF AND I’LL PUFF AND I’LL BLOW YOUR HOUSE DO-

The third “pig” gets up as the WOLF starts screaming, walks over to the door and swings it open, interrupting the WOLF. The “pig” pulls the quilt back, revealing that it’s another WOLF, dressed up as a grandmother.

WOLF #2
What the hell is your problem, asshole? Are you trying to scare my dinner away?

WOLF #1
Oh… oh… I’m sorry. It’s just… I thought there was a pig living here, and I was in the mood for some pork ribs-

WOLF #2
Nope, no pig. There was an old lady here.

WOLF #1
Is there any of her left?

WOLF #2
Nah, finished her in a couple of gulps. Try the house around the corner. I think there’s a bunch of dwarves living there.

WOLF #1
Thanks. So why are you dressed up like that?

WOLF #2
Her granddaughter is coming to visit. Sheeps’ clothing. You know how it is.

WOLF #1
Nice. Lucky bastard. Granddaughters make for excellent meals! Hell, I can’t be too jealous. I ate a little girl on the way over here.

WOLF #2
This little girl… she wasn’t wearing a red hood, by any chance?

WOLF #1
Yeah, red hood. Skipping a lot. Carrying a picnic basket. Why do you ask?

WOLF #2
It’s not important. Say, you wanna come in for a drink? The old lady’s got some wicked good bourbon.

WOLF #1
I wouldn’t mind having an aperitif before dining on those dwarves! I hope you don’t mind the company…

WOLF #1 enters the house. WOLF #2 lets WOLF #1 walk past it, and pulls a knife out of its quilt.

WOLF #2
Not at all… I hate to eat alone.

Lights out.

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